Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Milk And Cheese

These laws don’t go far enough. Dairies often sell milk and cheese and these are known to cause obesity and heart disease. The government must do something! This is what I propose:

1. Dairies be banned from selling milk and cheese, so that they can only be purchased in supermarkets. Except in tourist areas where foreigners have come to accept eating dairy products freely, where local councils we be allowed to permit dairies to sell milk, cheese, or both milk and cheese.
2. There should be special rules to allow dairies and Party Central to sell milk and cheese over the Rugby World Cup, because we don’t want the rest of the world to realise that we’re governed by miserable nanny-staters. But the cheese at Party Central must be sold in cubes with a toothpick through each in order to reduce the rate of cheese consumption.
3. Sale of cheese at Party Central be restricted to people 18 and over. Sale of cheese in supermarkets be restricted to people 22 and above. Sale of cheese in dairies (where permitted) be restricted to people 19 and over, unless the person is a tourist in which case they only need to be 17 or over. Sale of milk to be restricted to people over the age of 20 in all cases.
4. The government to tell milk manufacturers what percentage of fat they’re allowed to include in their milk.
5. Under no circumstances will supermarkets, dairies, or Party Central be allowed to sell alcohol and cheese together in case drunk people eat too much cheese.
6. Cheese flavoured potato chips will be banned. So will cheese and onion and other cheese derived flavours.
7. There will be a special tax on dairy products sufficient to cover the cost of heart disease and diabetes treatment, and to cover the cost of the milk and cheese licensing system.
8. Cheese will only be sold between the hours of 10am and 4pm, except on Fridays where it can be sold between 10am and 5:30pm. And Sunday when it can only be sold between 1pm and 4pm so that people will not be tempted to blow off church attendance in favour of cheese buying. Milk will only be sold on Tuesdays between 2:30pm and 3:30pm, because why do retailers need to be open any longer than that?
9. People will only be allowed to buy milk and cheese from one retailer each week. They’ll have their hand stamped after each purchase and council inspectors will conduct random checks outside supermarkets. Retailers will be fined up to $500,000 for selling dairy products to someone who already has a hand stamp, or outside the permitted hours.

These simple rules will certainly solve NZ’s diabetes and heart disease problem. Only child pornographers could possibly be opposed to them. Think of the children!

The cheesy sauce: http://www.actoncampus.org.nz/blog/milk-and-cheese

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